I would like to help Mom and stay by her as long as I can. I am not an ungrateful swine. Apart from life, I owe her no end of things, despite her occasional follies and injustices. Once, as I came back from the hospital, I wrote a story >entitled: "What I am thinking about these days". I placed it on the Internet. Heartfelt replies poured in.
In all, I have written 62 short and long stories. They are all based on real happenings of my life, some being just true descriptions (without invention) of what had happened to me. The response is varied, but generally very positive. The readers say I am quite an author with a a feeling and a gift of presentation. Now... To write and not to publish? It would be like writing and throwing away into a wastepaper basket. Or burning. That would be a stupidity, an absurdity. I am not an absurd man. So, what should I do? Get published? But how? The thing is that I write about life as it is. As I enter bookshops, I can't help wondering at the profusion of everything and everybody... My books (should they be published) would gather dust on the shelves. Their front cover wouldn't feature a cool guy with a gun, or a broad with big tits. So, why bother to buy? Some say I should pay to get published, something I wouldn't like to do for two reasons. First, the money required is quite large and I can't afford it. Second, for money you can publish any rubbish. Not my cup of tea.
I have witnessed death (or rather her consequences) lots of times. At one point I'd been carrying out my relatives (all dear good people) feet first by the dozens... All are gone, except my parents. And they too will pass away before long. I am NOT prepared for this. Pa is a separate talk. Our relationship is complex and strained. It is HE who is at fault. HE is older. Must be wiser and so on and so forth... Mom has lived with him for over 55 years. How many years of her life has he taken away? He is not a negative person. He is positive. But so much so, that his positivism turns into negativism. But some very negative traits he does have. Among them are the violent neglect to the opinion of others. Rock-hard belief that only HIS views and outlooks are true and right. Absolute INTOLERANCE of what does not comply with his code of the right living. And his code, though basically correct, is very limited... But would he admit this? Hell no! Fuck off, you stupid bastards with donkey's brains. This is his standard answer. The day before yesterday I went to visit Mom. She lay on the sofa all the time. She couldn't get up. Pa was at his best. First he praised his stewed cabbage (because it was his). then he said I don't know the taste of real potatoes, than he said (as per usual) that I am nothing, then he praised comrade Stalin, the father of the nation, then he came down to the Yeltsin president. in which case the word FUCK remained on his lips all the time. I couldn't stand it any more. I put on my coat and went away....
So it goes...
Dead people? I have seen way too many of them. No, it doesn't produce a good effect on a person. I had written a story entitled "The Classmates". In it, I have described the fate of some of my former classmates. Alas, some of them are now dead. And I am only 55.
These days I am in a strange mood. No, I don't have an urgent assignment. But I really don't feel like doing anything. Apathy. Sorry to say it again but my relationship with Il'ya deteriorates over time...The problem is that we have practically nothing in common and I am a bore to him. I aspire to get money for the family, I want us to live in comfort and relative ease, to be healthy and enjoy health.
He aspires to acquire a real car (not our ridiculous Constipation), to have a good time with his pals. Now he's also got a girlfriend. He spends practically all his time outside the house. What happens in it doesn't interest him in the slightest. A roof will spring a leak - he won't bother. I know that I am largely to blame. I didn't pay due attention to his upbringing when he was a small kid. Now I am reaping the bitter fruit.
So it goes. Will he ever start thinking about and caring for others? To me this a matter of serious concern. Not to my wife who keeps saying "The boy is good". The other day "the good boy" promised to give a black eye to anyone who opens a window in his room. I didn't like it. My wife said he was just joking... Then, I don't like such jokes...
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